Top 9 Ways to Drive Your Human Crazy (For Cats Only)

1) The Fake Food-Beg

Practice your most pitiful meow, combined with an expression of imminent starvation. When you have both down pat, follow your human around, mewing pathetically, and licking your lips whenever she looks at you. When she finally relents and dishes out a bit of your favorite food, sniff it disdainfully, then "cover" the food by scratching the floor around it. Extra points for dragging something over to actually cover the food. Her new silk underwear would work well.

2) Stare at Nothing at All

Find a focal point on the wall (preferably with nothing at all around it) and stare fixedly. When your human inquires as to what you are looking at, ignore him entirely. When he finally gets up and goes over to investigate, look away and fix your gaze at another blank spot on an opposite wall. Bipeds will never get it, which makes it more fun for us cats.

3) The 3 a.m. Wakeup Call

In the wee hours of the morning, go to the furthest place from your human's sleeping place and wail loudly and pitifully. When he or she finally gets up to investigate the problem, assume a sleeping position and keep your eyes tightly closed. Wait 15 minutes after your human returns to bed, then repeat. Caution: Do not repeat more than three times. You want your slave--err, human, well rested in the morning so she can wait on you all day.

4) The Box Game

The day will come when your human mom or dad will bring home a new toy for you. Pretend a great deal of anticipation and interest when she sets the box containing the toy on the floor. When she brings out the toy from the box, treat it with catly scorn (you know how), and focus your entire attention on the box it came in. The more lively your box play, the more fun this game can be. (You can always secretly inspect the toy when your human isn't looking.)

5) Develop an Addiction

Develop a unique meow for begging purposes. When your human finally gives you some, watch carefully to see where he puts the container. The next time you get a craving, drag the container up the stairs to his bedroom and rap on the door with it. It's hard to meow with a fish flakes can in your mouth, but it really works. His heart will melt when he sees the depths of your need.

6) The Calculated Ignore Game

My funniest game is to stroll slowly past my human when she is sitting down, trailing my tail across her leg in a loving manner. I'll then rub my face on the corner of a nearby table, all the time purring and putting on a display of affection. When she attempts to pet me or lure me onto her lap, I'll casually saunter away, leaving her bewildered and frustrated. Works for me!

7) Camera Play

One of our humans' favorite activities is pointing the black light-box at us to capture our most clever moments in what they call "pictures." Our favorite game is to arrange ourselves in stunningly cute poses, then move quickly or look away when the camera comes out. Is it any wonder that most cat pictures show us sleeping?

8) Bed Hog 101

You have to be a particularly spoiled cat who is encouraged to sleep with your humans to try this trick. Arrange yourself between your humans for starters, lying lengthwise and parallel to them. Once they drift off to sleep, gradually move around until you are stretched across the bed between them. Humans are fairly resilient during sleep, and will heed your pushing with your feet, until they are each clinging to their own slim sides of the bed, and you own the rest. Bliss!

9) Turn on the Love

When your human has had a particularly hectic day, and is fed up with your ruthless games, take a break and turn on the love, as only cats can. Jump on her lap and give her your most sleepy-eyed lovie gaze, as if you adore her more than anyone else in the world. This may come naturally to some of you. Others may need to practice, but we guarantee that the time will come when you'll feel the love for real, and the rewards will be priceless.